The last evening of 2011

We didn't exactly celebrate but we had a nice home cooked dinner. I'm glad I have a close bond with my family. I'm happy to have S in my life. With Cinnamon living with us, the next few weeks will be busy, as we try to make everyone - cats and humans - feel as comfortable as possible. I haven't been thinking and planning what's next. That will have to wait till things are more settled.

Work and interests

Earlier in the week, I was feeling a bit stressed at work but it subsided as my colleagues helped to provide advice and support. I always count myself lucky that my colleagues and I work together as a team. However, every now and then, I will be asking myself what I would like to do, as even though I have doing the same work for a decade and always do my best, I don't feel passionate about my work.

A new colleague who know me for about 2 months was asking me during lunch time about my career plans and encouraged me to be proactive and consider pursuing overseas studies. He has done that and feels that he has learned a lot from his experience. I might have seriously considered that if I don't have strong bonds with my family, cats and also S. I have no desire to leave them and stay overseas for a year or 2, especially when I believe I can still learn and grow while staying put in Singapore too.

On Wed evening, after a satisfying 4km jog with Fion and her friend Anna, we had dinner at Anna's place with her family. Her triplet 4yr old daughters are adorable and friendly. Anna and I were sharing the recipes of the cakes we have baked and like. I'm itching to try baking them when I'm free. I enjoy time with friends as well as time by myself doing stuff that I like. Of course it will be great if I can feel similarly at work, but I guess I can't have best of both worlds and have to be contented in the meantime that my job can feed me, the cats and my interests :)

Prep talk and positive thinking

I couldn't sleep soundly last night. @ 1.30am, I was thinking about mom's remark and how stressful she has been every night Angel starts to protest 15mins after we put him in Sis' room and let Bob out. I will try to get Bob in calmly even though I feel a bit sad at times that this arrangement isn't making both Bob and Angel happy. When Mom gets frustrated that things don't go smoothly, I can only give her a bit of prep talk which doesn't seem to help. She feels better, expressing her frustration in words but I don't feel good hearing them. I can't tell her to shut up, as it's probably an outlet for her to destress.

Last night, it really got into me that I had to think about it and cry a little about it. Such issues can only be resolved on my own, as right now there is no solution to improve the situation for Angel and Bob. Emotionally and mentally, I must be strong and believe that this is the best we can offer and the 2 cats are still quite happy most of the time. And for mom, I will still give her support which means being home most evenings to manage this arrangement.

I feel alright now after a bit more tearing and giving myself prep talk in my mind :) I told myself I have the choice to adopt mom's approach or continue to be positive. I choose the latter :)

What's my hobby?

A friend asked me about my hobby last night. I told him I don't know. He suggested blogging. Hmm, I enjoy taking photos and writing for my blog but I don't think that's considered my hobby. I enjoy baking but I've not been doing it regularly. Maybe eating is my hobby, as I like thinking about my next meal, can enjoy it on my own or with friends and family, can blog about it. But it kind of irks me that I don't have a more tangible hobby, something that involves some kind of skill and knowledge. Like Sis making silver jewelry and SP collecting and customizing her Blythe dolls. I have another task on my "To do" list - find my hobby :)

Lunch @ Fish & Co @ Ion

We weren't very hungry so we shared a mushroom salad and fish and chips. We had quite a bit of catching up, as we haven't gone for our swim the past few weeks and met for lunch.

It's inspiring to hear her taking some time to read books to improve her understanding of Chinese language and also to attend art classes. She will also be going for a trip to Osaka with her husband and after that to Beijing.

Strangely despite being single, I seem to have less time to spare, but I think it's also partly due my commitments with the community cats. I love the cats, so I will have to find a way to find some time for my other interests :)

Post funeral thoughts

Ah Bpak's funeral was a gathering of sorts for relatives and his old friends. Dad managed to catch up with some. We were quite amused by him when he shared his army day's experiences with his 23 year old nephew who was tickled by Dad's jokes. Dad also told a relative about Angel meowing and rubbing against his legs when he comes back from work every day - it sounded as if he was talking about his grandkid.

If there's 1 regret, it will be me not picking up Cantonese from Dad. I can only speak in my lousy Mandarin to the relatives. Dad suggested me picking up by singing Cantonese songs. haha. I shall see. I wonder if Ah Bpak had any regrets before he left. 

Making plans

During lunch, one of my friends was talking about setting a tentative goal to find her passion by Apr 2013 and we had a funny conversation about what she could do. Last night, a friend was also advising me to plan well and follow my heart.  I have been thinking what kind of work (1) I would like to do, (2) can also feed me and the cats and (3) doesn't take too much time away from my family, cats and friends. Haha, that sounds like a tall order.

Or I could continue to stay in my current job and explore my interests like sewing, pop piano, Japanese, drawing, baking, etc. I'm trying to see if I can just learn or practise on my own as commiting to regular lessons can be a bit tough at times. Sometimes, without structured lessons, I lack discipline too. For example, I've not been blogging in Japanese and revising. I've not touched my piano for more than a year. I've borrowed a pattern drafting book for almost 3 weeks and hardly touched it and have to renew it. Baking is the only thing I try to do when I am free. I really need to start planning and keep to it! 

In a reflective mood

A friend was concerned when she read my blog yesterday morning and asked what was troubling me. Being a cat caregiver has its ups and down. I'm happy when the cats are well. I'm worried when any of them is sick, injured, etc. It's the usual. Also as long as Angel and Bob have to separated, there will always be that tinge of regret and sadness. Sometimes work, relationship with family members and friends also present challenges. Instead of brooding and being morose, I like to reflect and discuss with family and friends. I don't usually keep things to myself.

Halfway writing this, Bob puked on the bed, floor and pillow. I stopped to clean up the mess, removing pillow case, bed sheet, and send them to the washing machine. Sometimes, there is no way I can pre-empt and I just have to be cool-headed and do what I need to do :)

有点心酸

If only problems and challenges can be easily resolved like how hunger and cravings can be satisfied with food and desserts. But I guess that's what life is about - having to find my own way sometimes alone and at times with help from family and friends :) I can't ignore what's nagging me or keeps me awake and hope that things will somehow work out. It doesn't work that way most of the time.

National Day dinner

シンガポール,誕生日おめでとうございます。：）It was like a mini reunion dinner since all of us could sit down together to enjoy the home-cooked dinner. Mom was yelping about the slightly charred salmon which still tasted delicious. None of us watched the parade. We were feeding the cats in the park and chatting while Sis was doing her stuff at home. I think even though we aren't the ideal patriotic family, what's important is we treat Singapore as our home :) I felt quite disgusted this morning to read in the Straits Times that workers had to clean up the litter left behind after the parade. So much for all the celebration when some people didn't bother to keep the place clean :P

Cutting my hair short

I had been keeping my hair long for the past few years. Friends and family said I look nice with rebonded hair but I don't want to subject my hair to heat and chemicals. It takes me a long time to dry my hair and in this hot humid weather, it was hot to leave long hair down and I felt the hair band pulling the hair from my scalp when I tied it up.

A week ago, I went to my hairstylist and told her to cut my hair to about an inch below my ears. She commented that looking good is not a priority to me and I want to go natural and use organic hair products. She's right in a way but I think I can still look nice sporting a short hair cut if I bother to style it a bit. Now it's a breeze to dry my hair after a shower. Most friends said my short hair is refreshing but what really matters is I like it :) I will have to put my hair clips and hair band away and I don't think I will need them for a long long time. It also means I have to visit my hairstylist more frequently. This is a right decision I've made this year :)

The odd 1 in the family :)

That was what Mom smilingly said earlier and I told her that I'm the normal 1 while the rest of them are weird :P

Guess I'm quite strange for being nonchalant about being single, sleeping with Bob, unusual taste for certain food, not satisfied with my job, always trying to keep myself occupied, sudden interest in learning Japanese after more than a decade, having different kind of friends, being stubborn and refusing to listen to advice as I want to learn from the experience before agreeing with my advisers, treating my parents like friends and lecturing them, etc. Dad said I seem to want to do things differently from others. Hmm. Guess it's what makes me tick, and it's my way of trying to find happiness or this inner peace :)

Freethinker

Sometimes when we are in a different environment, we see a different side in our bosses. Perhaps it's because back in the office, their schedule is packed with meetings and there is hardly time to socialise and make small talk. During this meeting, I see the bosses during the meeting, during tea breaks and meals. Just now we even stayed up with 2 of them to finalise the meeting report from 10pm to 12plus am. When we see them working hard, I can understand why they are who they are today.

During dinner reception earlier, we Singaporeans (7 of us minus Big Boss) were just lingering at the table drinking tea/beer/latte. Somehow the conversation was on religion. 2 bosses are Christians, 1 boss is a Catholic, a male colleague is a Christian and 2 female colleagues are Catholic. I'm a free thinker. Surprisingly, one of the Christian bosses told me that my time will come one day. The other said when I have the faith, the way I look at things and see things will be different. The Catholic Boss at first said it doesn't matter what beliefs I have, as long as I am a good person but later said when I have problems, I don't have to worry I have no one, as there is God. I quietly told my Catholic colleague sitting next to me that I will talk to my parents about my problems.

That is what I have been doing all my life. Or I confide to my sister and close friends. Ultimately, I make my own decision after thinking it through, based on my values system/conscience.

The other colleagues didn't make any comments. I just listened to their conversation. It was interesting hearing from them discussing parts and quotes from the Bible and its different versions. They joked a little and shared about how their religious beliefs affect their lives and approach to work.

I'm comfortable to such light-hearted conversation and discussion. It will be preaching and pushing the religious beliefs that turn me off. Religion is one's personal choice. I have attended some basic course in Buddhism some years ago but I don't believe in the practices and pali chanting and meditation. I like some of the values and philosophy behind Buddhism. It's true for some people, religion is a major part of their life, reinforces their values and helps them in making life decisions. For me, it is how my parents nurture me, my experiences with the people around me and how I interpret and react and form my own beliefs and values. My friends and the cats play a role in my learning process and growth too :)

Mid-year ramblings

Another week has passed and the weekend is here. As usual, the past weekdays were busy and eventful. As I attended a Powerpoint Version 2007 course the last 2 days, it has worked my brain a bit too. Hope I will be able to put some of the animation and creative tools to use. Maybe I can use it to entice some college students to join our organisation. Someone said I should try too hard and ruin their lives. Haha. I shall see if I have time next week to improve the slides from our HR people. Anyway, I am not a charismatic speaker too, so have to make sure I don't bore anyone to tears.

It is also inspiring to know 2 colleagues who have also been learning Jap. They are definitely more advanced than me the beginner. I need to find a way to practice my Jap and also get used to listening to it. I still have to rewind the sound clip for the listening comprehension section of the homework everytime as I can't catch most of what they are saying. Jialak. At least I'm not giving up learning yet :)

Tonight and tomorrow afternoon I'll be separately catching up with 2 girl friends whom I initially worked with them on community cat welfare issues since and we have become good friends. We can talk about our cats (home and community), our life, food and almost everything. Sometimes I feel inspired after talking to these 2 strong women to continue in my work with the community cats.

I have another girl friend who is going through a tough period now. I hope with whatever time left, she and her hubby can together find the peace and strength. It's strange to face terminal illness and death at our age and with medical advancement but it's fate or life playing a joke and we just have to rely on ourselves, our beliefs (religious or just personal life philosophy), our loved ones to live the rest of our life as meaningful as we can until our body can no longer support our life anymore.

It's a stark reminder that we should sometimes just stop in our tracks and ask ourselves whether we are walking on the right path. Will we have any regrets if suddenly we find we or our loved ones only have this short time to live? What can we do now? Sometimes it's simply spending more quality time with our loved ones or slowly change our lifestyle or doing something meaningful/learning something instead of procrastinating or waiting for more time. By now, we should know we will never have enough time. It's about sacrificing time for something else. I won't suggest sleep as sleep is important. I think it's about planning but I'm quite a bad planner myself and still trying to find a balance between work, spending time with family, cats and friends and also have time to bake, tidy my room and cupboards (reflecting a cluttered mind :P) and of course time to learn my Jap and new stuff.

Life is beautiful when we are healthy and we can think about all the things we can do and enjoy and also give love and concern to our loved ones and people around us. And hopefully when our end is near, we are stronger in mind (if not body) and have no regrets leaving this world.

Taking a break from blogging

I haven't been blogging for the past 2 weeks. Perhaps it's because I have been busy catching up with friends, trying to find time to study Japanese, keeping Bob company in my room, trying to recover from my flu by taking Chinese medicine from the sinseh, getting ready to cope with increased workload, spending time with parents and the community cats in the park when I'm not out meeting friends, thinking of how to spend on more worthy stuff and save more, etc. Maybe I'm starting to lose the interest to blog. I haven't bought a new camera to replace my faulty one as I could use Sis' camera since she hardly uses it. Even then, I don't carry it everywhere I go.

Nowadays I just admire the yummy food and tuck in. When feeding the cats in the day, I will just stroke them after feeding them. Anyway, I have taken many beautiful photos of them for the past few years. I did take some photos of the simple food I cooked and of parents' yummy dinner dishes but I haven't downloaded them from the camera. Maybe when the urge to blog comes back again, you will see photos and read my blabbering. I'm not sure if it will be anytime soon. But if any of you misses me, you know where to reach me :)

Scary experience

On Mon's late night, I had diarrhoea and puked. I thought sleeping for long hours till noon yesterday, I would be well. However, I felt chilled and while resting at the sofa, my limbs went numbed and I quickly called mom that I felt weird. For a moment, I thought I was dying. Mom panicked and cried as I looked pale and my fingers curled up and were cold. I calmly told her to call for ambulance. But after she called, my numbness slowly subsided and I asked her to call again to cancel the ambulance service. She quickly called Dad (who was driving his cab) to come home and bring me to see a doctor.

At the clinic, the doctor recommended me going to A&E to go for blood test and drip. So with his letter, Dad dropped me and Mom at Mt Alvernia while we waited for my turn to see the doctor. The doctor asked me why my GP sent me down. He didn't think my condition was serious and said the numbness could be caused by me panicking and lack of oxygen in my system - this could be resolved by breathing deeply (which was what I did) I asked him whether my symptoms are due to food poisoning. He said probably. He prescribed me medicine for my diarrhoea, vomiting, satchets of salt and good bacteria. Mom told me that she was really scared this morning.

Last night, I puked again and still have diarrhoea but I feel better enough to sms my friends who had lunch with me on Mon as I suspected that could be when I got food poisoned. Today, I had 2 toast for breakfast and porridge with steamed pork and veggies for lunch. My aunt is giving us a dinner treat at Soup Restaurant later. I would probably join them if I'm in the mood.

Sis asked why I only sms her about my experience when we were leaving the hospital. Guess all of us were wondering what was wrong with me and we didn't want to worry her until we found out the reason.

The sensation of being immobile is really frightening and I had to calmly tell mom what to do (make phone calls, look for my IC in my wallet), after seeing mom crying in front of me and rubbing my fingers to warm them, even though I felt very scared myself. Luckily, it was nothing serious. But it makes me think that when I'm ill or die, many things become unimportant. I must learn to prioritise what's important and not regret when I can no longer do anything about it.

The start of 2008

Today is the start of 2008. Angel was on my pillow beside my head when I was awake and he tried to lick and chew my hair. Haha. I had to stop him. Then it was a light breakfast while I flipped through the Straits Times. I joined Mom downstairs to feed the cats for 30 mins before I rushed home for a shower and went out to meet Fion to have lunch with our Vietnamese friend, H who is in Singapore this week.

We had ramen ($15) and dumplings ($5) at Maratuma Ramen at Central, Clarke Quay. There are not many items on the menu but the ramen and soup are well cooked and not overly salty. The dumplings are quite satisfying too. However, I don't think I will visit it again anytime soon.

After seeing H check out of her hotel and leaving with her friend, Fion and I had some dessert and drinks at TCC nearby before going home. It was nice to spend time with a friend who has known me and worked with me for the past 6 years.

After all the feasting, I enjoyed a simple dinner of fish, steamed egg and veggie soup with my family tonight. Then Mom and I went out to feed the community cats and a few other unsterilised cats (Bobby, Oreo. Monster and Pearl). Buffy has not appeared for the past few days and we hope someone nice has adopted her. I'm targeting to trap and sterilise the cats this Fri and the next few weeks. Poor White Cat appeared with a limp on his right hind leg. We will monitor and see if he will recover over the next few days.

Back home, I refilled the containers of cat food for Mom to feed the cats tomorrow morning. While Mom was cleaning up the hamsters' houses, I put 2 of them into the balls for them to run around the balcony. The past few weeks, we had been watching this Korean drama series "Witch Youxi" on Ch U. It was quite funny. I seldom get hooked on TV shows but this one and another one (started last night) are interesting and make me laugh.

Year 2008 is not going to be very much different from last year. Helping the community cats will continue to be a priority. I can't imagine my life without them and they have in some ways made me who I am today. I also look forward to more happy days with family (including Angel and the hamsters) and good friends and also find time to learn new things. Hee. It seems like it will be a busy and fruitful year ahead :)

Good food, company and kids

My friends, their kids and I met up for dinner at Sun with Moon Japanese Restaurant at Central near Clarke Quay yesterday evening. I think I was smiling/laughing most of the time at the unexpected things said and asked by the kids. The food was also satisfying. I had sukiyaki while the others had miso cod fish, teriyaki chicken, unagi don and salmon "claypot".

The photos of the desserts look enticing. My friends had matcha tiramisu, matcha ice cream and tofu cheese cake (which looks so pretty in the cage). I tried the sesame ice cream. Yummy!

After dinner, we took a walk along Clarke Quay and I was surprised to see the transformation and changes. I have been to Central a few times but not explored beyond. The restaurants look quite nice in the protruding glass cases of the shophouses. Sometimes I feel like a tourist in Singapore :)

I rarely interact with children. I do get to meet with young people in secondary schools and junior colleges when they help me out at Cat Welfare Society's booth to sell the merchandise. Some are interested to know more and we can talk about cats, stray cats and animal. Some are just interested in earning CIP hours and our relationship is more transactional - they help me, I help them.

Yesterday talking to my friend's 2 young children was refreshing. They asked questions, were interested in the food and our conversation and made some funny observations. I don't think I could carry a conversation with any adult when I was their age. Wow, my childhood seems like a long long time ago. I have fond memories of my parents bringing sis and I to East Coast Park for picnics with aunties and cousins. I always admire my parents and other parents who have tried their best to spend time with their children and teach good values. If not for them, I may not turn out this way :)

TCM and Bitter medicine

My left ankle is still slightly swollen and it still hurts a little when I walk at certain angles. I remember a colleague in a department who is a TCM practitioner and volunteers at some free clinic, so I called him on Tues morning if he could take a look at my ankle when he was free. Before the end of the work day, I was in his cubicle with 3 needles poking into my ankle for 15 mins. The accupuncture did help to reduce the swelling a little. As I am comfortable to the sensation of the needle poking me when I donated my blood, the needles don't disturb me. My colleague said such swollen ankle is common. I told him I don't think other people are as clumsy as me. He said I have high tolerance of pain to only approach him then. Hee.

On Thurs, he prescribed me some Chinese herbs and for the first time, I visited a medical shop near my place to get the herbs and brew them that evening.


Angel was curious what I was doing in the kitchen :)
I think I downed about 400 ml of the bitter slightly sourish liquid and had to suck on 2 rock sugar immediately.

I'm not sure if it's psychological effect but I feel alert and good even though I have been only getting about 6 hours of sleep.

However, my ankle hurts a little more when I had to carry the carrier with the female cat I managed to lure into for sterilisation on Thurs evening. Mum helped me to brew the medicine and after drinking it, my ankle seems to feel a little better.

I was able to meet my dear friends yesterday for lunch, to do our hair and dinner because I wore my sports shoes which are comfortable and provide good support. However, my ankle acted up again when I collected the sterilised cat from the vet clinic just now. Mum was very nice to massage my ankle and after "awing" a few times, Mum managed to remove the tight painful knots and my ankle doesn't hurt as much.

I usually try to derive meaning when I have to undergo some kind of suffering. For this experience, I think it's just telling me that I'm not as young anymore and can't afford to fall! :) I also find TCM cool and I think it's great it could be an alternative way for me to explore when I fall sick or in pain. Come to think of it, the past few times when I was done with sore throat and cough, I went the TCM way and it have been effective.

Remedies for work frustration

Perhaps it was post Labour day blues or I'm getting jaded with my job. The past few days I was feeling frustrated and stressed over some work issues. My boss seems to appreciate my efforts while our big boss seems to think we should be doing more. This means sometimes when we think we have done our best, our big boss would think it's not enough. It feels a bit confusing at times.

I have been doing this work for almost 7 years. I have questioned whether I should move out of my comfort zone to try something different but I'm still here. Job satisfaction is diminishing, colleagues are generally nice. Maybe I'm just having this 7-year itch. Maybe in 3 years' time, I will still be here to receive my 10 year service award. Haha.

Yesterday, I managed to feel more positive after telling a friend about how I felt. When I was back home, I talked to parents about it over dinner. With good food in my stomach, I felt better too.

Then my heart felt lighter when I was downstairs with mum and the cats. These cats face more challenges (i.e. rainstorm, potential abuser, frightening kids, etc) but they seem carefree and happy in our presence. I always feel at peace when I see them happily eating or resting.

This evening reinforced the positive feelings I got yesterday. Great dinner, parents and cats.

Now 2 of our 4 hamsters are happily running around in the exercise balls. Life is too beautiful for me to feel frustrated and stressed for long :)