The last evening of 2011

We didn't exactly celebrate but we had a nice home cooked dinner. I'm glad I have a close bond with my family. I'm happy to have S in my life. With Cinnamon living with us, the next few weeks will be busy, as we try to make everyone - cats and humans - feel as comfortable as possible. I haven't been thinking and planning what's next. That will have to wait till things are more settled.

Sweet memories

I like the vanilla ice cream at Ice Cream Chefs @ Teacher's Estate (at Thomson Road). Since they didn't have that on Tues afternoon, we tried Strawberry & Cream and Sea Salt Caramel which would be nicer if a little less sweet.

This little outing and the Taipei trip have been one of the many good memories for the year. Even though I'm still feeling a bit lost, I look forward to collecting more happy stuff along the way :)

Bored @ work 仕事がつまらない

What I do during lunch time and after work are more interesting :) again at this time of the year, I'll ask if it is time for me to exit. But I'm still clueless what I want to do.

昼ご飯の時と仕事のあとにはおもしろい。なにが欲しいますか。することを考えている。

A break from office

I managed to complete the urgent work and left office around 12.40pm. The other work stuff can wait till tomorrow, as I want my afternoon break. I bought some nice chocolate truffle cake for family and I'm sitting in the bus, looking forward to the rest of the day :)

Sleeping by midnight

It seems impossible or like a luxury at times to turn in early. I either want to stretch my day or there is something I want to do before I am willing to sleep even if I feel tired.

Fri and Sat nights were quite extreme as I slept at almost 3 am and had around 4-5 hours of sleep. The 2 late nights were due to different reasons: personal and work issues that I must settle before I could sleep in peace. Last night I slept at around 11.30pm to wake up at 5.15am this morning. Tonight I shall zzzz by midnight :)

Goodbye, Ah Bpak

My Bpak (meaning Big Uncle in Cantonese), my Dad's elder brother passed away yesterday late afternoon. Sad to say, we are not close to him but we still feel a bit sad. Dad probably feels more. @ least Ah Bpak is not suffering from the pain of cancer anymore.

Making plans

During lunch, one of my friends was talking about setting a tentative goal to find her passion by Apr 2013 and we had a funny conversation about what she could do. Last night, a friend was also advising me to plan well and follow my heart.  I have been thinking what kind of work (1) I would like to do, (2) can also feed me and the cats and (3) doesn't take too much time away from my family, cats and friends. Haha, that sounds like a tall order.

Or I could continue to stay in my current job and explore my interests like sewing, pop piano, Japanese, drawing, baking, etc. I'm trying to see if I can just learn or practise on my own as commiting to regular lessons can be a bit tough at times. Sometimes, without structured lessons, I lack discipline too. For example, I've not been blogging in Japanese and revising. I've not touched my piano for more than a year. I've borrowed a pattern drafting book for almost 3 weeks and hardly touched it and have to renew it. Baking is the only thing I try to do when I am free. I really need to start planning and keep to it! 

Rooster & Hen

I wanted to try Rolina curry puff @ Serangoon Garden Market but the stall was closed. @ the carpark we were surprised to see a rooster and a hen near Dad's car. They looked well fed. It was kind of strange to see them when I was craving for a chicken curry puff but I definitely didn't want to hunt and eat them. Ironic.

Pink candy floss clouds

I was admiring the evening sky when chatting with a friend 2 Thursdays ago before Polling Day. Every time I look at the sky, it presents a beautiful picture, but sometimes I am too busy to notice.

With a friend whose mom recently discovered a tumour in her and another friend's dad who passed away suddenly last Wed night, it is a sad reminder that our loved ones will inevitably leave us sooner or later. Yes, it can be morbid to think about it but I hope come the day, I won't have any regrets of not spending enough time or showing love and concern for my family and dear friends.

三十三

昨晚，好友先祝我生日快乐，还谢我对她的关心和友谊。我们是在中学认识的。很快已经过了十六年，而我们和两个朋友还有经常联络。去年十二月，我和好友和她的小儿子一起去台北游玩。那时候第一次和好友出国感到兴奋。

我也用华语对朋友说：“谢谢！虽然块要三十三了，有个好家庭和你们这些好友，我很开心。”

Death of loved ones

I was telling Dad yesterday that after experiencing the deaths of many hamsters and some of the community cats, I seem to be less sad and also shed less tears. Dad said it is better for the little ones to die when they were suffering and we have also done our best to take care of them and their welfare. He hoped that when it's time for him to leave us, we will also recover quickly and move on and be happy.

Smell the roses

Sis was asking last Sunday if I have time to stop and smell the roses, seeing me packing my weekend with driving lessons, meeting friends sometimes, Jap lesson, sending my luggage for repair etc. I think I do try to catch a whiff every now and then over meals, catching with family and friends, in the park with the cats or accompanying Bob in my room :)

Work and drive

I have a good start this morning by going for my driving lesson @ 8.30am. This time, I could start and brake the car smoothly most of the time. The instructor also cleared me to proceed to new module the next lesson (tomorrow), as I have a better understanding of the gear changing and would able to do so as we drive through Bedok Reservoir Rd to Tampines and back to the school. Along the way, we would chat a bit about work and life.

This experience and other incidents often make me wonder why often I am not able to find the awe, joy, wisdom and meaning in my work. My colleagues are nice, not back stabbers, my bosses aren't nasty but they are not of mentor material either because they are too busy or they don't care about staff development. Work is just reactive.

I know I am lucky too that this job can provide financial support for my lifestyle and my 2 home cats and about 10 community cats, etc. I also have time to pursue my interests after work and spend time with family and friends I guess I shouldn't complain too much but I like it that I am not complacent and still have the drive to find things to learn on my own. If not, life will be boring and meaningless.

Feeling sick and well

I felt a bit nauseous while having lunch today. Coupled with a headache, I was a bit worried if I could take good notes for a meeting at 4pm. After visiting the toilet (not to puke fortunately) and laughing about work with my 2 colleagues, I felt better. I even enjoyed the 4pm meeting as my boss and the visitor know each other and it was a light-hearted discussion. I don't look forward to writing the minutes tomorrow morning, but I feel good that I don't feel sick anymore. Maybe it's just the weather - freezing in the office and heatwave when I had to go down to Golden Landmark hotel to send some materials to a visitor. Maybe I haven't been getting enough sleep. Whatever it is, I'm glad I can write this, think clearly and enjoy the rest of the day :)

Meeting, good food and job

Our meeting started at 9am and ended at 6pm. In the afternoon, there were moments where I felt really drowsy. It could be the satisfying lunch we had at the Thai restaurant or the apple strudel and crackers I couldn’t resist during the afternoon break. Or the discussion was a bit dry until someone made some interesting comments. The organizer really feeds us well – I have to be selective and make sure I take more veggies, less unhealthy items.

Just now after our dinner, we hopped into the van, which brought us to the night market area and we had an hour to explore before the van drove us back. My colleague and I walked down the stretch of stalls before settling on this stall selling some cottony flowery tops and bottoms. I got myself a pair of nice culottes – casual and comfortable when I go out with family or friends on hot days. With all the eating since yesterday and more eating till Sun, I hope I will wake up earlier tomorrow or one of the days to swim.

I’ve always been wondering whether I’m cut out for this job and whether I should do something else. Next year will be my 10th year in this job. I did change from one organization to another but it’s still under the same family and I’m doing the same kind of work. It seems like everything I have such thoughts – I get arrowed for some overseas assignments. I don’t look forward to such arrows or opportunities, as usually I had to go because someone couldn’t make it or no one wanted to go. It's the same for this current trip too, but this time, I don't feel lost with the bosses and colleagues around.

Anyway, it boils down to what I want to do and as long as I don’t know, I will stay in this job. I still need to feed myself, Angel, Bob and the community cats and sometimes my parents too. I guess life isn't that bad even though I complain every now and then. But it would be great if I do find a job I really enjoy.

Mid-year ramblings

Another week has passed and the weekend is here. As usual, the past weekdays were busy and eventful. As I attended a Powerpoint Version 2007 course the last 2 days, it has worked my brain a bit too. Hope I will be able to put some of the animation and creative tools to use. Maybe I can use it to entice some college students to join our organisation. Someone said I should try too hard and ruin their lives. Haha. I shall see if I have time next week to improve the slides from our HR people. Anyway, I am not a charismatic speaker too, so have to make sure I don't bore anyone to tears.

It is also inspiring to know 2 colleagues who have also been learning Jap. They are definitely more advanced than me the beginner. I need to find a way to practice my Jap and also get used to listening to it. I still have to rewind the sound clip for the listening comprehension section of the homework everytime as I can't catch most of what they are saying. Jialak. At least I'm not giving up learning yet :)

Tonight and tomorrow afternoon I'll be separately catching up with 2 girl friends whom I initially worked with them on community cat welfare issues since and we have become good friends. We can talk about our cats (home and community), our life, food and almost everything. Sometimes I feel inspired after talking to these 2 strong women to continue in my work with the community cats.

I have another girl friend who is going through a tough period now. I hope with whatever time left, she and her hubby can together find the peace and strength. It's strange to face terminal illness and death at our age and with medical advancement but it's fate or life playing a joke and we just have to rely on ourselves, our beliefs (religious or just personal life philosophy), our loved ones to live the rest of our life as meaningful as we can until our body can no longer support our life anymore.

It's a stark reminder that we should sometimes just stop in our tracks and ask ourselves whether we are walking on the right path. Will we have any regrets if suddenly we find we or our loved ones only have this short time to live? What can we do now? Sometimes it's simply spending more quality time with our loved ones or slowly change our lifestyle or doing something meaningful/learning something instead of procrastinating or waiting for more time. By now, we should know we will never have enough time. It's about sacrificing time for something else. I won't suggest sleep as sleep is important. I think it's about planning but I'm quite a bad planner myself and still trying to find a balance between work, spending time with family, cats and friends and also have time to bake, tidy my room and cupboards (reflecting a cluttered mind :P) and of course time to learn my Jap and new stuff.

Life is beautiful when we are healthy and we can think about all the things we can do and enjoy and also give love and concern to our loved ones and people around us. And hopefully when our end is near, we are stronger in mind (if not body) and have no regrets leaving this world.

Feeling better after a cry

I came home after work, feeling hungry, tired, stuffy nose and with a headache. While eating my dinner halfway, I just cried. For myself. For not being able to rest because of all the work deadlines and follow-ups. I felt miserable. But strangely after the brief crying, i washed my face and could think clearer. I went into my room to check on Bob and he bit me on my arm, probably because I touched him on the wrong place. I was not angry with him. I sat there in the dimly lit room and just looked at him, stroked him. I decided to go downstairs and joined Mom and Dad to feed the community cats. The breeze and fresh air felt good. My headache had disappeared and I told them crying was healing. I guess sometimes I just need to let go and move on :)

Beijing and the cats

I'll be in Beijing tomorrow afternoon to attend a workshop and will be back soon on Wed night. A few friends asked why I didn't extend my trip since it will be my first time in China. Actually I haven't even traveled out of Singapore since Apr last year. It didn't cross my mind to extend especially after Mom and I received bad news from our Town Council officer that he would need to remove Rambo the old community cat due to some complaints. Some residents think Rambo is old and sick and will spread diseases. As the TC officer claimed he can't let me speak to the complainants or they don't want to talk to me, I had to quickly arrange for Rambo to be put at a cattery before the TC culled him.

This afternoon, my family and I visited him and Rambo is not drooling anymore after he responded well to the gingivitis medication. He is also in a cage on his own as he has not been vaccinated. After vaccination, he will be put together with the other cats in a pen. I feel happy to see him safe and looking better. He was vigorously rubbing his head against my familiar hand when I put my hand through the grilles of the cage. I won't be able to see him everyday like in the past at the void deck but I will try to visit him monthly or every 3 weeks.

We visited Bob at another place where I temporarily board Bob there while I'll be away in Beijing. We are worried that he will meow loudly when he is alone in my bedroom and we don't want our upstair neighbour who is working in HDB to complain about us. Poor Bob looked scared in the cage and I let him out for a short while to pet him. I will see him soon on Thurs night and shower him with hugs and kisses.

My life revolves mostly around the cats. Dad thinks it's not good for me to be doing so much for the community cats and little for my personal life. It's a lifestyle and a choice I make. If I don't take care of them with the help of my family, who will do so? No one else will care about their welfare like me and mom. I sterilised them, I have bonded with them. They are like my family too :)

Passion for our job and life

I have been on course since last Wed with 40 over people from different organisations. 3 others were from my organisation. It was quite an interesting course as the lecturers engaged us with topics that affect us, our work or people around us. We also have the opportunities to interact with our course mates through discussion, tea breaks and lunches.

A few course mates exhibit strong passion for their jobs. One of them, from my organisation, shared with us about his experiences, was keen to use what he learnt from this course to create possible ideas for his work programmes. I, on the other hand, am quite jaded about the work I do even though he and I are from the same organisation. Perhaps, the difference is that he is working at the grassroots level and he can see the impact of the various programmes he has helped to implement. For me, some of my customers are the foreign agencies who visit us to learn about our experience. Some are really serious to learn while for others, it may be just to fill up their travel itinerary and most of the time, I have no idea whether they do implement what they learnt back in their countries.

Sometimes, bits of my work or new assignments do make me feel a bit hopeful in getting my passion back for my job but nowadays such incidents are happening less and less often. But I do treasure my colleagues whom I work well together, the fact that my job is considered meaningful (as compared to harming people, animals and the environment) and also my comfortable pay that allow me to lead this lifestyle and feed my cats.

Hmm. Perhaps, I should look at passion for my life. I think i have always tried my best in executing my duties at work, serving my bosses, helping fellow colleagues and making sure the foreign visitors achieve their objectives of their visit to our organisation. I also try to be a good daughter, sister and friend as well as a responsible cat owner and caregivers by giving them my time, attention and love. The attempts to improve my character, trying to be compassionate in my actions, searching for meaning in my work and life may just be a kind of passion. Am I making sense? :)

Busy, busy

I haven't been blogging due to the following reasons:

• I have been staring at the laptop screen at work from 9am to 6pm on weekdays and I just don't feel like switching on the PC at home. But I don't mind watching cable TV with mom and sis if it's a good programme or movie.
• If Bob can't come out of my room as Angel can't be coaxed into the balcony or Sis' bedroom, I will go to my room and accompany him for a short while, brush his fur or play with him or just cuddle him.
• I have attended 7 lessons of learning Japanese language. I try to go through the notes a few times (on the way to/from office, before sleeping), remember the Japanese characters (Hiragana) and the new words. The sentence structures have been quite easy so far. There is also a dictation test every lesson. So far I manage to get everything correct and hope to keep it this way. It's also fun to learn with a friend and practise with her during the class.
• Almost Sun night, my friend and I are trying to finish trapping the cats in another area not very far our own areas to sterilise, so that the caregivers and feeders there can have an easier job of continuing the TNRM effort when we hand over to them in Sept.
• Maybe I am also losing the motivation to blog. Sometimes, disturbing Angel, soothing Bob, chatting with Mom, doing other stuffs seem more worthwhile than blogging. But at times, like now, I just feel like yakking away on my blog.